The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
