I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
