Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
