My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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