So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
