well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
