i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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