The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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