The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
