Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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