i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
