so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
