Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
