sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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