im drinking this country out of the recession.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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