New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
