im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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