My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
