Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
