i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
