I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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