Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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