Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Too much gin, very little bucket
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
