I'm lost and stupid without you.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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