you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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