my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
