Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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