Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
