If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
