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The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She's the barista slut.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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