Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
