I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
