why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
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