he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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