Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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