i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
