i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
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I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The ass gains better be worth it
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