This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
