CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dear god my vagina.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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