I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
