Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
