I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
