I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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