My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
