Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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