I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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