last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
