I want to have your abortion
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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