just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
