I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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