Will you blow on my dice?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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