You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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