she woke up with a sticky ear
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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