I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
