i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
