I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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