i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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