I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
