i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize