Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
