Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
