That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
