He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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